When I ask my clients about their sexual relationship with their partner, they will often make reference to the moments of sex itself, or lack thereof. The focus is on the physicality of their sexual relationship – the kissing, touching and stimulating. Understandably, we focus on these elements because we are told that sex itself is what defines our sex life. However, one of the most profound lessons I have learnt over my career, and what is now fundamental to my work as a sex therapist, is how sex starts far beyond the physical act of sex itself. It starts in the cultivation of the emotional and intellectual landscape that glues a relationship.
The word intimacy, which people often associate with sex, is defined as ‘the state of having a close personal relationship with somebody’. From a physical point of view, sex is intimate as, yes, you are physically close to someone while you explore their body and exchange touch. This is only part of the picture though. Closeness to another person can also be emotional and intellectual. Emotional, being that you are in tune with someone’s emotional state by understanding and feeling what they are also feeling. Intellectual, being that you comprehend and understand their point of view, their values, and their experiences. Emotional and intellectual closeness to another person means that you understand their inner world deeply.
The physical act of sex — while it might seem to be purely physical — really involves a lot more beyond two bodies moving together. When two people are intimately connected to each other’s inner world, sex transforms from a simply physical act to something of far deeper meaning – you make love to their body but also their mind. It’s for this reason I often focus on enhancing or restoring the connection between two people, rather than simply spotlighting how they could touch each other’s body better.
When we intellectually and emotionally connect with someone, we desire to be closer to them – we feel seen, validated and safe with them. This is evident in platonic relationships ,in how we enjoy our time with friends and family, and therefore spend more time with them because of that. However, in making sense of our sexual relationships, we sometimes overlook the importance of intellectual and emotional connection. Sex becomes compartmentalised to the time our bodies touch. But in order to get to that point of physical closeness, there is process that is deeply intrinsic to sexual desire: the process of connecting.
Cultivating a connection often involves a few important ingredients – making time for them, being present with them, and putting the effort in to make that time meaningful. The setting that people enjoy doing this in will vary vastly, and it often comes down to the reason why you and that person became part of each other’s lives to begin with; what you initially connected on. It could be going out for a beautiful dinner with them, talking about your interests or ideas over food and wine. It could be escaping the city or your usual routine for a day, to adventure and explore something new with them. Perhaps it’s having a soft and intimate conversation in bed, sharing your vulnerabilities, and opening up in ways you typically wouldn’t. It could be supporting them or having them support you in challenging times. Or, it could simply be making special experiences out of ordinary moments, like turning music on and dancing while you clean up after dinner. These moments are an opportunity to indulge, reflect, play, learn, laugh, build trust or think deeply. These interactions are meaningful – they are connection.
Sex is ultimately a form of communication. You are communicating that you like them, you want to be closer to them, you want to feel them, and you want to let go with them. When you cultivate a connection outside of sex, the sexual desire that often sparks from this, is a way of saying ‘”I feel connected to you and now I want more of you”. I always love Esther Perel’s statement that "sex isn’t what you do, it’s where you go," suggesting that, beyond the mechanics, sex is a gateway to deeper emotional and psychological states. When we take the time to connect outside of sex, the pathway to sex and deeper connection within it, is easier to follow.
Feature image via IMDb.
